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About Literature / Hobbyist e-herowindmasterMale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 7 Years
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  • Mood: Glad
  • Listening to: Mostly tracks from various Fallout titles
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ AARs/ Raising Steam by Terry Pratchet
  • Watching: Let's Plays
  • Playing: Fallout New Vegas (Again)
  • Eating: Pepperoni Pizza (last thing eaten)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
Viva New Vegas, for my city, she calls to me to come back to her~

And so I did - since I purchased the Ultimate Edition (for the 2nd time), though this time on Steam to see if I can run it better on my PC. It does run much better, to say the least, and I instantly added some mods to make the experience different. One key mod is the JSawyer mod, made by the developer of FONV to make changes which he felt were fitting for the game. The biggest two changes are lowered health and lowered carry capacity, because a weedy little shit with STR 1 shouldn't be able to cart around 160 lbs of extra weight on top of their own weight. That's ridiculous. Now you have to go out of your way to pick perks and traits, as well as high STR, to get anything similar to 160 lbs, and the vast majority of people will end up having about 100 - 110 lbs. I have however added a satchel mod to add some carry weight with cosmetics - since apparently a purely cosmetic satchel wasn't popular enough. Etc. etc. mo' mods, mo' probs. I am playing everything in "Hardcore" which the main difference is timed recovery vs. instant recovery medically, and ammo has weight. Which makes sense, personally.

Needless to say I'm busy busy busy running through the game with my numerous builds. One of my biggest flaws in games is that I like to have multiple characters on the same game - mainly so I can change up my playstyle without having to worry about gimping my character, especially if I'm playing an Ironman run. I currently have a mobster build in Vegas proper at Lvl 12, an ex-Brotherhood of Steel Paladin who uses melee at Lvl 13, a Big Game Hunter at Lvl 8 who will end up blitzing Honest Hearts by hunting everything there, and a "Modern Gun" Gunslinger who uses pistols as opposed to revolvers, who is currently Lvl 9.

Yes, I know, boring. But eh, wanted to let you guys know that I'm not dead YET.
  • Mood: Annoyed
  • Listening to: Long list of things too eclectic to mention
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ AARs/ Raising Steam by Terry Pratchet
  • Watching: Nothing right now
  • Playing: CKII/ Civ V/ Blood Bowl/ Styx: MoS
  • Eating: Sweet Digestive Biscuits (Cookies to Americans)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
I understand that deviantART is an online community for artists and artistically-inclined individuals, but I've always felt that the roleplaying side of things has always been exceptionally hit-and-miss. Specifically, I'm not a huge fan of the roleplaying through artwork sub-community, which is needlessly biased to those people who are amazing at art as opposed to simply enjoying it as a hobby, or those few people like myself who don't feel that their art is anything special so only use dART to follow others and post alternative media, in my own case my poetry, short stories and spritework, which is all at best mediocre.

Simply put - people shouldn't be barred from roleplaying if they cannot draw as amazingly as some of the other people around. While I freely admit that the only people on dART I follow who I don't know from other things, such as old forums or the like, are good artists, that is only because I have yet to prune my follow listings. Some of the best roleplays I've seen online have been through deviantART, and yet I have felt like I cannot join in due to the process requiring an art-fuelled side to your applications. The only dART RP I have ever joined was one where I got a friend who happened to be one of the moderating staff for the RP Group to effectively draw my character for me, and that is not exactly the optimum solution. While I freely admit to being somewhat disinterested in the RP shortly after joining, I disliked feeling like I had to ask someone to draw my character for me in order to avoid having to share my own artwork which I haven't been comfortable showing others for about ten years now.

While this also applies to things such as the Pokemon Battle Frontier RP competition, that was specifically an artwork competition for Pokemon fans which had a roleplaying element to it, as opposed to being a hardcore roleplay with an artwork element to it. So in that case I think it's fair enough to let it slide.

I'm not a special snowflake; I don't agree to getting special exemptions to things just so I feel able to join in without being pressured to share something I don't take pride in or participate in on a regular basis. I just feel that it should be possible to submit an application to an RP, which would be accepted, without requiring a multitude of pictures. Equally though, if someone wanted to do the full blown-out application with fancy artwork but a poor description, I don't believe that those people should be denied simply because their written work isn't necessarily up to par. Some people just simply aren't good at writing applications but are good at other aspects of the RP, and the reverse is equally true. Everyone ought to be judged fairly with all merits looked into - the entire point of an online retreat is to make things fair and equal for all. Otherwise, why bother in the first place? We get enough discrimination for all sorts of stupid reasons in the "real world".
  • Mood: Neglect
  • Listening to: 【Chillstep】Soulfy - Skyfall
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ Raising Steam by Terry Pratchet
  • Watching: Hot Fuzz (2007)
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Assorted other games
  • Eating: Sweet Digestive Biscuits (Cookies to Americans)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
Anyone else get this feeling? I just look out at the world and watch as it jumps from week to week, season to season, without any real change or growth on my part during all of it and suddenly it's x-time of year again despite the fact that I could swear that only a couple of weeks ago it was y-time. For example: Valentine's felt about two weeks away from Christmas; then it only felt like a week had gone by and suddenly we're at Easter, and it's already practically May. I know that working a job where my free time isn't dictated by something as mundane or ordinary as a "weekend" since I work Saturday mornings would do that, but two years ago I could at least track what part of the year we were in.

I dunno, I want to just get out there and socialise and stuff, but everyone my own age is either a worse slacker than even myself and have even less prospects than I do, as scary as that sounds, or they wouldn't be interested in meeting a washed-up schoolmate from yesteryear who after near seven years they've probably forgotten about. The former are people I don't want to socialise with for fear of allowing them to influence me in negative ways which would cause me to flop; and the latter are successful people who wouldn't want to be seen dead with me.

C'est la vie, I suppose. I just no longer see the appeal of a pubcrawl or a super party where we all get drunk and then smashed off our faces purely because everyone else is doing it. Maybe that's a sign of maturity, or maybe its just a sign of not being willing to be influenced by the masses. That's the trouble with living in a small village which sometimes feels like its in the arse-end of nowhere - no-one young truly lives here since they socialise elsewhere and just see it as a place to sleep; and the ones who do are the sort of dropouts you really don't want to speak to. And yes, that includes me.

Oh, and the song I'm listening to is here:
As the title says. I freely admit I'm not helping myself by listening to stuff to make myself feel more miserable about this sort of thing, such as Shy by Sonata Arctica, which is one of my favourite tracks period. Still doesn't change the fact that the feeling sucks ass.
  • Listening to: Shy; Tallulah - both by Sonata Arctica
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ The Hobbit (75th Anniversary Edition)
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Assorted other games
  • Eating: Sweet Digestive Biscuits (Cookies to Americans)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
When we met, I was 15, going on 16. Teenage still, despite my insistance to be seen otherwise, and incredibly juvenile in many ways.
When we met, you were 13, going on 14. Only just teenage then, incredibly self-conscious and easily attached to me for showing interest in you.
In retrospect, we were both a perfect pair and the worst couple imaginable. Which is something many people can say when they look back at a previous serious partner.

And what a pair we made:
The self-conscious young lady who got wrapped up in their beau far too quickly and far too well to truly live for herself at the time, all because of simple compliments which while truthful and from the heart should not have caused such a pleasant high.
And the self-doubting young man, so used to being told that they weren't good enough that they were too eager to experience love to try to make it so things didn't get so heated so quickly.

We didn't do one another favours over the few years we were a couple:
You threatened suicide if I left you on more than one occasion when your hormones overtook reason, even if I hadn't made any mention of actually leaving you.
I made brash statements in anger which set off your waterworks; statements said in an angry five seconds because I was stressed out which took a minimum of five hours to properly apologise for in words, as well as some deeds.
You hated when I spent time away from you, hated when I was with you but distracted, and hated when I was sad and I couldn't let you make me feel better for whatever reason.
And I... I was a total heel and hooked up with another woman, because they were jealous of someone a few years their junior all because I was off the market.

Still, we dealt with each roadblock along the way, until I said something out of stress and fear and pain that I didn't mean, something I never even meant to let you hear; and that drove you away. For a time.
I dealt with things, I got better. And when we next spoke to one another, we reconnected nearly instantly. Like two magnetics, we quickly attracted the other and became inseperable. Until I realised that my problems were encroaching on my psyche again, and that yours were starting to rear their ugly head again. And so I ended it, before I could truly hurt you, promising to come back when I was fully okay.
And then you weren't around, despite saying that you would wait for me. I felt betrayed and hurt, but I understood:
You weren't a possession or a plaything. You weren't a slave or anything remotely to those things. You were a young woman, and if I kept letting you go then you were going to try to find happiness with someone else.

That last part? Well... that was three years and ten months ago now.
You'll be pleased to know, if you ever find this, that I managed to settle most of my problems for good, and the quasi-gentleman you fell in love with is what I mostly salvaged from the wreckage of my past self.
I've been clean of my medication, and for the most part my mental health issues, for about as long, although mostly because I wanted to push through for us, and then for me, as opposed to because you weren't around.
I'm not exactly happy, not truly, but I have my way in life. I've settled into a comfortable routine and I've made some friends, both new and made better friends of old ones, in the time being, though I am still a grumpy gills for long periods of time on occasion.
........

Ultimately, this is my goodbye to our relationship, and unless you say otherwise, to you. I do you no favours, nor myself any, by torturing myself with my memories and older emotions again and again and again, even if they are of you.
Letting go... it hurts, hurts deep inside me in ways that I cannot explain. But it's a good hurt - I need to let go so I can love again, even if it is you again. I do you a disservice to use old thoughts and feelings to justify how I act with and around you, even if we have a history.
I love you. You held my heart, you caught my soul. Though they are mine again, a small part will belong to you always. Goodbye.
Requiem to my Lost Love
A finale to my lost love and the relationship we shared, as well as it being somewhat of a rundown of what went down during it.

Once again, you held my heart, you caught my soul, and though returned to me once more, a small portion of each will always be yours.
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  • Mood: Glad
  • Listening to: Mostly tracks from various Fallout titles
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ AARs/ Raising Steam by Terry Pratchet
  • Watching: Let's Plays
  • Playing: Fallout New Vegas (Again)
  • Eating: Pepperoni Pizza (last thing eaten)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
Viva New Vegas, for my city, she calls to me to come back to her~

And so I did - since I purchased the Ultimate Edition (for the 2nd time), though this time on Steam to see if I can run it better on my PC. It does run much better, to say the least, and I instantly added some mods to make the experience different. One key mod is the JSawyer mod, made by the developer of FONV to make changes which he felt were fitting for the game. The biggest two changes are lowered health and lowered carry capacity, because a weedy little shit with STR 1 shouldn't be able to cart around 160 lbs of extra weight on top of their own weight. That's ridiculous. Now you have to go out of your way to pick perks and traits, as well as high STR, to get anything similar to 160 lbs, and the vast majority of people will end up having about 100 - 110 lbs. I have however added a satchel mod to add some carry weight with cosmetics - since apparently a purely cosmetic satchel wasn't popular enough. Etc. etc. mo' mods, mo' probs. I am playing everything in "Hardcore" which the main difference is timed recovery vs. instant recovery medically, and ammo has weight. Which makes sense, personally.

Needless to say I'm busy busy busy running through the game with my numerous builds. One of my biggest flaws in games is that I like to have multiple characters on the same game - mainly so I can change up my playstyle without having to worry about gimping my character, especially if I'm playing an Ironman run. I currently have a mobster build in Vegas proper at Lvl 12, an ex-Brotherhood of Steel Paladin who uses melee at Lvl 13, a Big Game Hunter at Lvl 8 who will end up blitzing Honest Hearts by hunting everything there, and a "Modern Gun" Gunslinger who uses pistols as opposed to revolvers, who is currently Lvl 9.

Yes, I know, boring. But eh, wanted to let you guys know that I'm not dead YET.

Journal History

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Comments


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:icondarktoph:
DarkToph Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Dunno if you're still around, I just recently returned from a long time away myself, but happy birthday! (tomorrow :P)
Reply
:icone-herowindmaster:
e-herowindmaster Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah, I'm still around DT. Will be 23 at 4:04 AM GMT tomorrow - my parents never let me forget that I kept them both awake all night when I was born. -rolls eyes-
Reply
:icondarktoph:
DarkToph Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My parents do the same thing lol. Up all night during a freezing rain storm . :P

Happy official birthday, now!Airborne
Reply
:iconjoshua-mozes:
Joshua-Mozes Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the :+fav: :D
Reply
:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh hey, EHW! Happy B-day!
Reply
:icone-herowindmaster:
e-herowindmaster Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks Arti-kins~
Reply
:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh sweet God, that nickname. D:
Reply
:icone-herowindmaster:
e-herowindmaster Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey man, my initial username change warranted my own ridiculous nickname which stuck for an age and then some. Only because people forgot/ I changed username did it die out. You though... you kept your username constant, so I always recall the nickname 'cause o' that.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconevannavanyaeliska:
EvannaVanyaEliska Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fave~! I really appreciate it! :iconbubblecuteplz: (sorry for the really late thanks...)
Reply
:icondoton-element:
Doton-Element Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Awesome sprite gallery!! thanks for the fave pal, you rock!!! :skullbones: :skullbones: :skullbones:

BYE BYE
Reply
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