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About Literature / Hobbyist Member None of your businessMale/United Kingdom Recent Activity
Deviant for 7 Years
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As the title says. I freely admit I'm not helping myself by listening to stuff to make myself feel more miserable about this sort of thing, such as Shy by Sonata Arctica, which is one of my favourite tracks period. Still doesn't change the fact that the feeling sucks ass.
  • Listening to: Shy; Tallulah - both by Sonata Arctica
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ The Hobbit (75th Anniversary Edition)
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Assorted other games
  • Eating: Sweet Digestive Biscuits (Cookies to Americans)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi
Mature Content Filter is On
(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
When we met, I was 15, going on 16. Teenage still, despite my insistance to be seen otherwise, and incredibly juvenile in many ways.
When we met, you were 13, going on 14. Only just teenage then, incredibly self-conscious and easily attached to me for showing interest in you.
In retrospect, we were both a perfect pair and the worst couple imaginable. Which is something many people can say when they look back at a previous serious partner.

And what a pair we made:
The self-conscious young lady who got wrapped up in their beau far too quickly and far too well to truly live for herself at the time, all because of simple compliments which while truthful and from the heart should not have caused such a pleasant high.
And the self-doubting young man, so used to being told that they weren't good enough that they were too eager to experience love to try to make it so things didn't get so heated so quickly.

We didn't do one another favours over the few years we were a couple:
You threatened suicide if I left you on more than one occasion when your hormones overtook reason, even if I hadn't made any mention of actually leaving you.
I made brash statements in anger which set off your waterworks; statements said in an angry five seconds because I was stressed out which took a minimum of five hours to properly apologise for in words, as well as some deeds.
You hated when I spent time away from you, hated when I was with you but distracted, and hated when I was sad and I couldn't let you make me feel better for whatever reason.
And I... I was a total heel and hooked up with another woman, because they were jealous of someone a few years their junior all because I was off the market.

Still, we dealt with each roadblock along the way, until I said something out of stress and fear and pain that I didn't mean, something I never even meant to let you hear; and that drove you away. For a time.
I dealt with things, I got better. And when we next spoke to one another, we reconnected nearly instantly. Like two magnetics, we quickly attracted the other and became inseperable. Until I realised that my problems were encroaching on my psyche again, and that yours were starting to rear their ugly head again. And so I ended it, before I could truly hurt you, promising to come back when I was fully okay.
And then you weren't around, despite saying that you would wait for me. I felt betrayed and hurt, but I understood:
You weren't a possession or a plaything. You weren't a slave or anything remotely to those things. You were a young woman, and if I kept letting you go then you were going to try to find happiness with someone else.

That last part? Well... that was three years and ten months ago now.
You'll be pleased to know, if you ever find this, that I managed to settle most of my problems for good, and the quasi-gentleman you fell in love with is what I mostly salvaged from the wreckage of my past self.
I've been clean of my medication, and for the most part my mental health issues, for about as long, although mostly because I wanted to push through for us, and then for me, as opposed to because you weren't around.
I'm not exactly happy, not truly, but I have my way in life. I've settled into a comfortable routine and I've made some friends, both new and made better friends of old ones, in the time being, though I am still a grumpy gills for long periods of time on occasion.
........

Ultimately, this is my goodbye to our relationship, and unless you say otherwise, to you. I do you no favours, nor myself any, by torturing myself with my memories and older emotions again and again and again, even if they are of you.
Letting go... it hurts, hurts deep inside me in ways that I cannot explain. But it's a good hurt - I need to let go so I can love again, even if it is you again. I do you a disservice to use old thoughts and feelings to justify how I act with and around you, even if we have a history.
I love you. You held my heart, you caught my soul. Though they are mine again, a small part will belong to you always. Goodbye.
Requiem to my Lost Love
A finale to my lost love and the relationship we shared, as well as it being somewhat of a rundown of what went down during it.

Once again, you held my heart, you caught my soul, and though returned to me once more, a small portion of each will always be yours.
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#1: Currently playing multitude of games - most prominantly from a multiplayer perspective are Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition and SWTOR. Obviously, for SWTOR I'm on the European servers - hit up Dukos if you're on English PvE Europe Empire. Steam username is Valokiloren - send me a message telling me who you are and how I know you if you want to be steam friends.

#2: Have pretty much stopped dedicated art production of all sorts for now. Haven't done any sprite work in a long time, nor do I plan to pick it up again; actual drawn artwork, ignoring the fact that I don't have a drawing pad nor a scanner, is something I haven't touched for about five or six years; and poetry is always hit/ miss and a lot of my... better(?) works are more short stories with odd punctuation choices. That being said, if muse catches me, I may make an actual submission, such as when I made the love poetry submission within the last week or so.

#3: Still at work; have now been employed for one year at the same job and my position is secure. Company likes me; my colleagues like me; customers like me. Going well there.

#4: Am inactive on most of my online hangouts. Reason being that I have fallen out of touch with friends over the last eighteen to twenty-four months. If you are willing to consider me a friend, despite the way I have been acting over that massive time period, please send me a note or make a comment on this journal to let me know.

#5: I tend to use my journal as an emotional spitting well or scrapheap. Understandably for that, it is likely that I'll spout some crap which I may not actually mean or believe which riles you up in some manner. While I dislike having to debate when over half the stuff in my journal entries is either fairly off-the-cuff stuff, updates or me just shooting the wind, I apologise if I've offended anyone by being obtuse and abrasive when I try to defend stuff which I might as well have dreamt up during a drunken escapade considering that very little of it is my actual honest opinion.
  • Listening to: Music
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ Prince of Fools
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Skyrim (Beowulf Style)
  • Eating: Nothing currently
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi, though I feel like a beer...
Romance is dead, they say; and I know people believe that I know nothing of romantic gestures for scoffing at things such as Valetine's.
Feh. What those ignorant buffoons consider to be romance, I consider to be cheap swill unfit for even the worst people around.
Love isn't all about showy gestures. That is just superficial bullshit, for those incapable of understanding the emotions of themselves and those around them.
Love is in the little things, such as beelining to one another if you haven't seen one another in what seems like forever, even if it was only five minutes.
Love is knowing that their partner's bad habits and flaws not only accentuate them, but make that person into the one they love, and to try to get those habits or flaws to change would be to kill the person they love.
Love is holding one another in the middle of the night when one of them wakes up in a cold sweat, and calming one another down by the "mere" presence of each other.
True love is tangible and luscious; capable of stopping breath in awe and in heartbreak. It is magical, truly, but also dark and foreboding and extremely frightning too.
After all, it takes the truly brave to entrust their soul to another person, and a soul is such a fragile thing to take care of.
I find myself wondering when exactly I will hang up my feelings for the last person I offered my heart to, and when I can finally find it in myself to open up to a special someone. Maybe someday, but not today... not today.
Love
It is not for the weak, and it comes in many forms. Though I have merely scratched the surface on a tiny fraction of those forms, I felt like sharing with you all.
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Turns out that I've lost my bank card. This wouldn't be too bad if I actually knew my account detail's or had some bank statements at hand. As it is, I don't beyond a vague idea have any idea, so that's annoying. Just got off the phone to the bank; they successfully blocked it and hopefully come the morning I can be somewhat less annoyed and be able to actually request a new card without biting someone's head off beforehand.

Impotent rage at its finest.
  • Listening to: Music
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ Prince of Fools
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Skyrim (Beowulf Style)
  • Eating: Nothing currently
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi, though I feel like a beer...
As the title says. I freely admit I'm not helping myself by listening to stuff to make myself feel more miserable about this sort of thing, such as Shy by Sonata Arctica, which is one of my favourite tracks period. Still doesn't change the fact that the feeling sucks ass.
  • Listening to: Shy; Tallulah - both by Sonata Arctica
  • Reading: Fanfiction/ The Hobbit (75th Anniversary Edition)
  • Watching: N/A
  • Playing: Blood Bowl: Chaos Edition/ Assorted other games
  • Eating: Sweet Digestive Biscuits (Cookies to Americans)
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi

Journal History

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:iconjoshua-mozes:
Joshua-Mozes Featured By Owner Jul 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the :+fav: :D
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:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh hey, EHW! Happy B-day!
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:icone-herowindmaster:
e-herowindmaster Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks Arti-kins~
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:iconarctic-master:
Arctic-Master Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh sweet God, that nickname. D:
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:icone-herowindmaster:
e-herowindmaster Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hey man, my initial username change warranted my own ridiculous nickname which stuck for an age and then some. Only because people forgot/ I changed username did it die out. You though... you kept your username constant, so I always recall the nickname 'cause o' that.
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(1 Reply)
:iconevannavanyaeliska:
EvannaVanyaEliska Featured By Owner May 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks for the fave~! I really appreciate it! :iconbubblecuteplz: (sorry for the really late thanks...)
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:icondoton-element:
Doton-Element Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Awesome sprite gallery!! thanks for the fave pal, you rock!!! :skullbones: :skullbones: :skullbones:

BYE BYE
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:iconmorningpanda:
MorningPanda Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
:dummy: Thanks for the :+fav:!
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:icongennie-d-rouchette:
Gennie-D-Rouchette Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for droppin' by BROS lovely :iconcblushplz:
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:iconziocorvid:
ZioCorvid Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Student Digital Artist
:iconthanksfav:
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